When trust is broken in a relationship, both people play a role in rebuilding it. But they play very different roles—and when those roles aren’t clear, couples get stuck.
For the person who broke the trust
Rebuilding trust starts with transparency—complete and ongoing transparency. Not selectively sharing, not “when it’s convenient,” but a consistent openness that allows your partner to feel grounded again.
Second, you need to manage your own shame and guilt. When your partner brings up the hurt, it’s common to feel overwhelmed, defensive, or ashamed. But if those emotions take over, you may shut down, minimize, or dismiss—recreating the very disconnection you’re trying to repair.
Third, understand this:
When your partner brings it up, it does not mean you’re going backwards.
It often feels that way. But when the conversation is handled productively, each time the topic is revisited, it’s actually an opportunity for healing and repair.
Finally, consistency is everything.
You don’t earn trust through intention—you earn it through repeated, consistent behavior over time.
And even then, trust won’t return immediately. Your partner needs to see that the change is real before they can begin to feel safe again.
For the person whose trust was broken
Your role is just as important.
First, it’s essential to distinguish between anger and rage.
- Rage wants to punish—to make the other person feel the depth of your pain.
- Anger can be constructive, especially when you can identify what’s underneath it:
- hurt
- betrayal
- humiliation
Sharing that deeper impact allows your partner to actually understand what this has meant for you.
Second, don’t hold it in.
It can be tempting to suppress your feelings—to avoid being a burden or appearing weak. But when you do that, you end up carrying the healing process alone.
Bringing it up gives your partner the opportunity to show up differently.
Third, timing still matters.
Even though you were hurt, if your goal is to be heard and have a productive conversation, basic boundaries still apply. If your partner is exhausted, distracted, or unavailable, the conversation is less likely to go well.
Finally, be curious, not accusatory.
If something doesn’t add up, ask:
“Help me understand this…”
Instead of jumping to conclusions.
The bottom line
Rebuilding trust isn’t about one person “fixing” what happened.
Its about two people learning how to:
- stay present
- communicate differently
- and show up consistently over time
That’s what allows trust to slowly, but genuinely, be restored.
Michelle Joy is a senior therapist at The Couples Institute and a leading expert in the Developmental Model of Couples Therapy. Since 2002, she has specialized in helping couples transform deep-seated patterns through a blend of neuroscience, differentiation, and her expertise as a certified Enneagram teacher.
In addition to providing couples therapy and intensives, Michelle leads workshops for every stage of relationship—from “Marriage Prep 101” to long-term communication skills. A prominent speaker and trainer for organizations like PESI and CAMFT, she provides professional consultations and advanced classes for therapists worldwide.